"I'm sorry Ivanka but you have to distract them by having your tits pop out."

In the beginning there was a cloud composed of powdered spray tanner and dried crusts of Fred Trump's semen. Over time the gravitational pull causes the mass to rotate around a center of gravity, a core of sentient greed, and collect nazi floatsam and particles of rat shit from the polluted Queens air. Once the…

They should tell him it's the royal dish that's prepared once a decade where you have to suck the liquified stuffing out from a quail anus. (Seriously this is a real thing?) Just talk up how special it is. All. Day. Long.

I choose to interpret that as "dick punch instead of face punch".

Yes. What's so hard to get?

With white-on-white violence, whoever can PATRIOTISM louder wins.

Too late. The Russians already have the tape.

Until we know what exactly was the cause, I'm going with generic bad shit.

Whatever I feel about the Snyders' work, condolences to them.

This nation had turned into a vomitorium so quickly I didn't even no- actually it's pretty fucking obvious.

Roger Ailes is dead.

To be fair, I expected zero semen flinging, so the three times (plus some dude jacked off into one of those drive-through air tube containers) was way more than I expected.

Alright, when will Ms. Chu's own Yelp page be online?

As a former bank teller, I must warn you that the bank managers have a 50/50 chance of being those same kinds of douchebags. I'm not talking high-up managers, just shift leader types.

Being a dick on your Yelp reviews is not fire-able, I agree.

Nah, Trump will be trying to deport anyone from Mochi by EO.

The conceit of Big Furry Hat was somewhat made obsolete by Real Life Fat Orange Moron.

Facing mortality (my own or my loved ones) in the past had made that scene extremely effective.

So….rugby tackles are still okay?

He's just in there, jackin' it.