Let's write Cortana/Siri some comeback lines! thread.

Alternate theory: You're aware you're an asshole but still want to be let off the hook for it.

Siri, do you like to watch gladiator movies?

No, the fans won't have it. They can't abide Anastasia with a noticeable Tyneside/Aussie accent.

*Titanic II gets tangled with a flotilla of ocean trash, all on board die from suffocation, Greenpeace president dies of Schadenfreude overload*

So….did you talk about Kevin?

I remember on the Last Week Tonight YouTube channel they have a few interviews on and they were all good. Mainly because Oliver only interviewed people related to the topics he was covering already, so no celebrity puff.

I suggest an NPR tote bag filled with tiny dildos, but you probably don't have that much disposable income.

I don't know if this is relevant, but I found on eBay a Disqus corporate polo shirt with button flaps over both nipples. Apparently you can order customized nipple flaps on shirts now, and nobody invited me to the party.

How the fuck could films without a Doof Warrior be considered "serious"?

Wurst of a Nation is a close up of a hot dog that lasts for 89 minutes with narration about the history of hot dogs, only to zoom out in the last minute to reveal that we're looking at a dick between steamed buns.

Also Chris Christie biopic. Either that or The Curse of Hugging Obama.

"You mean I massacred the whole hair & makeup nominee sections for nothing?" [shrugs]

And here I thought a line of cocaine was Person of the Year that year.

You realize that if someone went on the PA system at the Oscars and said the camera feed got cut and they're not on TV anymore, it would turn into Lord of the Flies pretty quick, right?

Just so you know, I'm going to start working on an app that reads text out loud in Werner Herzog's voice, and this will be one of the test passages.

It's right there with "no additional blood had rushed to either of my heads".

The H doesn't stand for hilarious?

Fine, we'll add Ang Lee to that montage.

In other news: Kevin Love protests reverse-racism by refusing to play defense.