All this ziggin' and zaggin' is a young man's game.

"Keanu is really shaping up to be the most true-to-life lost cat movie we’ve ever seen"

Big Fat Quiz of the Year is the best. Long live the Goth Detectives.

*raises the People's Highbrow*

"So, uh, Lincoln was all like … four score and … uhhhh … seven years ago… Hang on, I've gotta piss first."

iPod, iPad, I don't know anymore!

I dunno, he looks like the same disheveled mess as always, just with a few more crow's feet to match his crow's hair.

I math better drunk.

Or at least a "Use Breathalyzer to Confirm" option.

These are also opportunities that emails have cost me.

At least we all still have answering machines.

So this is not retroactive? How does this help me get all my jobs back?

Bummed Noel Fielding is not attached. Would love to see him as a spy who's constantly getting caught on account of his ridiculous hats.

Congratulations, lesbians. You've won this round.

Ambrosia: overrated and overpriced.

A bad movie starring Will Ferrell and Kevin Hart.

Damn, beat me to it. By a second, mind you.

I would rather see Gentle Herpes in the Ammyriteeeville Horror

What is dead may never die!

Diddy, swinging kettlebell at victim: "I'll Be Missing You."