There used to be plenty of theatres in which to ejaculated over new movies, but then Giuliani went and cleaned up Times Square and now you have to go down to the East Village for them.

Sorry; I don't believe in internet porn. You should have to walk into a physical store in disguise and wear your sunglasses and keep your eyes down at the counter like humanity has done since time immemorial.

Yes, art is subjective, but normally when people are ejaculating over some new movie I can at least see where they're coming from even if I don't agree. In this instance… I just don't get it. I watched Tucker and Dale Vs. Evil this weekend and to me that was a billion times more enjoyable and memorable than It Follows,…

Yeah, I did like that, and the way the set design was done to intentionally obscure the time period that the movie was set in. But… not enough to actually like the movie.

Not to be confused with Dora The Anal Explorer, the pre-existing live-action adaptation of the film available in finer video stores.

Speaking of scary movies, I posted this in the horror-film countdown but wanted to widen the net a bit: Why do people like "It Follows"? Legitimate question; I found it to be boring, formulaic, and utterly forgettable. It's an STD allegory that bashes you in the head with that and doesn't have a scary monster or…

UNPOPULAR OPINION WARNING: I found "It Follows" to be boring and formulaic. I literally cannot see what people like about that movie. As an allegory for STD's it was far too heavy handed to actually be meaningful; the monster itself wasn't scary enough to make it effective as a horror film; and the characterization…

Zombie Nation, or Zombie Cranberries?

Ugh, Webster Hall? What are you, Zombie Nation in 1999?

I live in Brooklyn. Manhattan has no affordable apartments whatsoever, especially not with dishwashers.

Also: my current apartment is the first one I have ever seen except in a luxury doorman building that actually has a dishwasher.

You're obviously unfamiliar with the vagaries of Manhattan real estate.

Sounds like a man who knows what he enjoys in life.

AWESOME. Absolutely amazing and life-changing. Deserts in New Mexico and Arizona; mountains in Utah and Colorado; lots of boring nothing in Oklahoma and Iowa and Nebraska. Just a great, great, GREAT time. Took four days to go from Brooklyn to Los Angeles, and four days from Vegas to Brooklyn on the way back, with five…

The George Foreman Grille is the greatest invention of all time. It allows you to cook food in Manhattan studio apartments that don't have stoves. It's the best thing ever.

I love you, Taco Bell bell.

There have been individual days where I've spend more than a grand on booze. Many of them. As recently as last month. I wouldn't worry too much.

tl;dr

I have recently, a couple of times, had erections that lasted around four hours. Including the rather distressing thing of orgasming and then maintaining a full erection straight afterwards. It's disconcerting.

Rosie O'Donnell in a gimp suit is my next Halloween costume.