I simply DO NOT understand the purpose of college if everybody has to be coddled all the time to avoid hurting their feelings. You know what hurts your feelings? Life. Friends of yours will die. You'll suffer startling, horrifying losses in your social, financial, and emotional life. You'll probably contemplate…

Oh, then, yeah, definitely when I was a teenager.

Oh, then, yeah, definitely when I was a teenager.

True. I can't imagine the masturbatory sessions were worth it.

Well, if it's your own daughter, then she can get laid by an older gentleman without having to leave the confines of her cage.

Yes, and of course it is.

Actually it was last Saturday. I'm REALLY into this new girl. She's 31, so, yeah.

You have NO IDEA how hard I am laughing right now.

They have a certain… ripeness…

What if you're talking about fresh fruit?

Well, she's obviously mentally damaged since she's willing to date me. I mean, that's mental illness by definition.

I've made clandestine phone calls and sent text messages and crossed state lines to fuck my current girlfriend. She's 31.

Is 5 to 12 years really a short duration for fucking some 17 year olds? I can't imagine the sex was worth it.

Elmer Fudd raping Porky Pig?

Like a post-menopausal vagina. Which neither Cosby nor Fogle have any interest in.

"Getting into smaller pants was both the reason for his rise to fame, and the downfall."

Masturbating to dead people used to be something you could only do in the morgue. Now there's reruns. Hooray?

Batman cares not about nutrition, especially since Batman is now Dead.

I had sex with his mom once.

Yeah, I just have to be careful whom to trust with my in-real-life name and stuff, because I don't want to lose my job and get thrown in jail for moral depravity.