Honestly, I think that if somebody is an expert on five-year olds' genitalia, that's probably a cause for concern.

For certain definitions of "straight."

Tim Meadows was part of the single greatest sketch in SNL history, the Christopher Walken census.

Ah. Yeah, I normally leave work at like 8:00 or 9:00 p.m., and the earliest I can duck out for a date is normally 7:00.

Ooh, good point. I don't date at work, though; the one time I did that I had to quit my job when we broke up because otherwise it would be too awkward.

Oh. Yeah, weekday afternoons don't really work for me with dates because of job requirements and all.

Alcohol also loosens the tongue and makes first dates way less awkward. And coffee after work? Most people don't drink coffee at 8:00 p.m. on a weeknight because, you know, sleep, and all. I have never been on a first-date coffee date.

Who has coffee on online-dating first dates? Dinner only; coffee involves daytime meetups, which means weekend dates, which is WAY TOO SERIOUS for a first online dating date. From somebody who's been on hundreds of them.

Can a five year old even get an erection?

I happened to be watching that show this weekend for the first time in at least a decade, and was shocked to see the same boring dude hosting it. Then realized it was his last episode, and I felt like some kind of sorcerer.

Exactly.

DAMMIT I FEEL SO REJECTED AND WORTHLESS

No, you fucked up. I stopped listening to any new music when I was 20 years old like a normal person.

OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO SPECIAL LET'S FUCK

Raw, as in "sandpaper up that cock, you're gonna be bleeding when I'm through with you, boy," although I get how you could see the other way too. You know I have a thing against using lube.

I really liked him in Mr. 3000, that Bernie Mac movie. Didn't know he'd done anything since then.

Don't need to wear a rubber; can't get pregnant twice at the same time.

Except they didn't actually show it. They panned to Theon's face before it started, really. Not sure what the shock value in that is.

Trapper Keepers, on the other hand…

I thought you normally used lube?