Too old and too much plastic surgery.

My Facebook feed has been LITTERED with people posting this news on my page all day.

I don't lie about things like JNCO's.

You can still get 69" legs from a JNCO competitor / knockoff brand:

Ahem.

Maria Shriver?

Tattva, achintya bheda abheda tattva.

Also: FUCK YOU, DICTIONARY, SHRIVENER IS TOO A WORD! Shrive, verb: to impose penance on; to give absolution to; to hear confession of. Shriven: Past participle of "shrive." Shrivener, therefor, would be "one who has given you absolution and imposed penance in response to confession."

It's a good thing they didn't cast me in that role, because sex with me is more of a punishment than a reward. Like, bad Catholics who confess to particularly heinous sins are told by their shrivener to say 100,000 Haily Marys and then have sex with HDB.

And also you were all MRA's.

I have some syrup.

I've never made an off-color remark.

Thanks, IK! I wish I could believe that.

Yeah, if I didn't flash money in bars I wouldn't get nearly as many blowjobs in bar restrooms.

I guess I'll fade into Bolivian.

Haven't seen the movie, but it sounds like The Interview times a billion. How is this movie actually being shown in theatres?

Oh, then that does sound EXACTLY like my friends.

When this show was on, a friend of mine's girlfriend said I should watch it because it was "just like" my group of friends. "Like, it could be a documentary of you guys!" I've never seen the show, so I have no idea if that's a compliment or not.

We didn't actually get around to the dick-measuring portion of introductions.

I met Kurt Vonnegut once. His breath did not smell like mustard gas or roses. He had a firm handshake though.