I thought it was because it was annoying to make airplane noises to get your cock in their mouth.

"Cranny axe."

I like to use "meat locker" but whatever floats your boat.

My question: Where can you find Seinfeld online?

Non-awkward way to let people know you're gay: wear this t-shirt.

This… this… I mean, I know I have some interesting stories, but… hot fucking damn. This takes the cake.

But, like… if she wants to eat dinner with you because it makes her happy, and she is providing you with room and board… like, what's the harm? If I were in her shoes I'd probably be weirded out too if my kid didn't want to eat dinner with me, and I'd think of it as at least a little worrisome. Like, you'd think in…

Isn't that how all kids pay their way through elementary school?

It's hard to ask questions with a dick in your mouth. Just sayin'.

This is why I carry xanax in a pillbox in my pocket at all times.

I went in to a pharmacy the other day to fill a prescription for birth control for my wife and my seven-year-old daughter. The pharmacist was like "Your seven-year-old daughter is sexually active?" and I was like, "Nah, she mostly just lies there and cries."

You don't understand the violation. The intrusion. U2 raped people's phones.

Because you're getting to watch porn but don't have to look at dudes because dudes are gross. I wouldn't want to have sex with me, or look at me having sex with anyone else, either.

If every romantic comedy had like a 90-second lesbian scene in it, every guy in the world would watch them.

Enjoy the diabetes.

No, that's this:

Well… yes, I suppose those movies are quite nice, now that you mention it.

I'm not into chick flicks, so I'll pass.

I haven't been inside a high school since 2008! I haven't been inside a high school girl since… um, what were we talking about?

No; when I was a teenager, I was into adults.