TRUE STORY: The first time I watched Gravity was on my phone.

Nothing. There's nothing to stop it. You're left with a perpetually flappy dribbling dick.

At least it's not National Lampoon's European Vacation. That would be ludicrous since they don't allow black people in Europe.

Years of practice. The same way people get those six-inch-wide ear gauges in — you start small, and then slowly get bigger and bigger.

"You're the worst, Hitler."

In the brave new world of NuDisqus, no comment is too old not to see when somebody replies.

In the brave new world of NuDisqus, no comment is too old not to see when somebody replies.

Not if it's a potato salad wrestling match between, say, every girl who's ever slept with Derek Jeter.

What's a Twitter?

He typed that extemporaneously.

The world full of shrimp was like the greatest running gag ever.

Way to keep it current, guys.

A soggy box of fur?

It runs on its own, if that's what you're asking. And it's constantly leaking fluid.

I have quite a nice penis, if anybody is interested in it. I believe it to be disease free.

That car don't come out until next year, where in the fuck did you get it?
That's eighty thousand bucks gone where in the fuck did you spend it?
You must got eyes on your back 'cause you got money to the ceiling.

I'll take some booze, please. Preferably a nice Pimm's Cup.

That's less a "short dress" and more a "long shirt."

Seriously! She looks like Courtney Love's heroin dealer.

That's actually useful advice for every single conceivable situation in life.