I usually have really vivid dreams, but right now I have a 4-year-old who likes to climb in to bed with us, so most of my sleeping involves trying not to swear and/or retaliate as I get kicked in the kidneys or karate-chopped in the throat.

Yeah, even as a joke that sentence makes my stomach hurt.

Wait, the wagon is pine??

I don't think you seem mean. Parsimonious, perhaps. Rapacious, denigrating, or virulent. maybe. But not mean.

Patton Oswalt's name would appear and disappear so rapidly it could induce seizure.

"I know what you're thinking: did she deliver 6 medical kits, or only 5? Tell you the truth, in all the warfare I kind of lost track myself…"

I was disappointed it wasn't the photo, frankly.

Does this mean there will finally be somewhere I can get coffee??!!

What I would give to be a fly on the wall of the Koch Bros meetings where they strategize how to move forward. Is there any acknowledgement of what they've reaped? Any questioning of strategy?

And it's funny, I was just talking with a friend about how if this were any other election it would clearly be over. And yet logic just went out the window when his campaign wasn't over 15 minutes after riding down that escalator and calling Mexicans diseased, drug-dealing rapists. So it's created this sort of dizzy…

It's almost unbearable - and I mean that literally. At times I feel like I'm going to shut down.

"He looks like a cartoon pilot!"

"Whatcha doin' there, sport?"
"Newswire. That Sean O'Neal is such a delightful bitch!"

I have a two-year-old son who loves trains. From the title, I'm sold. From the cover, having a balloon on it, he might hyperventilate. Reading the description, I'm worried his little head will explode.

"I brilliantly used the trade laws to my advantage, and I'll use that same brilliance to work for you and your cheap ties!"

Oh he'll be cryin' himself to sleep tonight on his gigantic pillow.

If and when Trump loses, what's going to be the glorious icing on the cake of his public defeat is that he will lose to a woman.

Ah yes, the wisely abandoned first-draft version of that story.

One of Jeff Goldblum's all-time great moments: As the Big Bad Wolf, kicking the flower, pointing at it and saying, "You ain't nothing but garbage."

And the whole time you'd be thinking about how now you're going to be on TV as the person who saved Trump, and all your protests wouldn't get you out of his camp.