[US Secret Service reluctantly opens a file on Alex Karpovsky]

When they have sore throats from all the chanting, they're a gargle.

Don't forget military installations! The Ft. Hood shooting was the one instance when the gun nutz seem to have kept their goddamned mouths shut about the need for everyone to be armed in order to deter gun violence — because I guess even the idiots and crazy people in the NRA must have figured that if the United…

Remember a couple of years ago in Florida (of fucking course), there was that autistic man (who was Hispanic, I think) who freaked out and sat in the street playing with his toy fire truck, and one of the caregivers at the group home (who was black) went out there and sat with him and calmed him down? And when the…

If he was smart, he never once touched that per diem, and took as much as he could home from craft services. Take some of those baby carrots and celery, toss it in a pot with that pork chop bone you're gnawing on — and you got a stew goin'!

I'm sure he could concoct some bullshit about defeating Hillary Clin-Ton being a matter of life and death, and its permissible to break the sabbath for matters of life and death.

My favorite archaic title is definitely Bishop-Elector.

And, of course, Dubya proved that a president can just invade any ol' country he wants and about 80% of the country will cheer and wave flags and say how great it is. At least through the next election, which is all that matters.

Alzheimer's is perhaps the cruelest disease, as it attacks the most basic part of our humanity: our memories and self-awareness.

Nothing is more pitiful than powerless people who think they have some leverage.

At the hardware store the other day, I saw a $1300 toilet with electronic controls, built-in bidet, and I'm pretty sure it was wirelessly connected to the internet. I said, to no one in particular, "Noooope. The NSA already knows enough about me without taking a stool sample."

If I'm able to figure out the new system, I'll likely stay here. The two other AV Club spinoffs I know about (AVoCADo and What's on Tonight…) took about 6 weeks to turn into cliquish hives of Mean Girls. Once is a fluke, twice is a coincidence…and I don't believe in coincidences.

Angus Steakflower.

I've got $100 that says he actually said that at least once.

They prefer "face merkin," eh?

A job just opened up at Northwestern…

"Regular bear"! lol

I thought he didn't. In fact, I thought he made a big deal about being so fucking brilliant and NOT having a degree from some libbrul college. I could be wrong.

"Sad Songs Say So Much"

This is all just some lame attempt by him to create an alibi for himself for when he inevitably gets busted for using online comment sections to lure underage boys into his perv-lair.