Uh, maybe read it again when you're sober. I can get behind the idea that God can forgive anyone for anything if they sincerely repent — but that doesn't absolve people from just earthly punishment for things like raping his daughter!

"We stopped sacrificing babies to Moloch, and look whut it's brung us!"

I really want to hear from Space Pope and Alien Jesus.

Who would have thought it? Thomas Pynchon, that's who! (The Crying of Lot 49)

Those poor guys, having to see a coffee table… [shakes head sadly for lost innocence]

Is that the title of O'Reilly's latest book?

I give this shit-parade of white people another 5 years before various ethnic groups start agitating to no longer be called white. I figure Jews and Italians are first in line. Being non-Christian will help the Jews out; and being Mediterranean will help out the Italians ("hell, you people are halfway to bein' Ay-rabs…

[thumbs through contract]

Was that the one with Chuck Conners?

Stop it, Sufjan. Seriously — that's enough.

[feels stomach drop]

They overlap with the Spainsh Civil War — that's kind of World War II.

How have I gotten this far in my life without realizing that I desperately want to see Ford and Eastwood on screen together as old, cranky men arguing with each other?!

Heh-heh. "Alison"!

What's the medical term for your…wiggly face-thing?

"Appetizer"?! Well, la-tee-dah, Mr. Fancy Pantsless! 'Round here, we call them "starters."

Don't ask why they call him "Bony"!

Ugh, Logan. He was The millennial George W. Bush.

I went to a sex museum in Amsterdam about 20 years ago, and they had a display with porn from 1910-1930 running on a loop. It was guys in starched collars and straw boaters poking ladies who had removed their bustle dresses, all under a tree somewhere in the countryside. Close ups of the penetration. I marveled at how…

That could be alright. Kind of a Smokey and the Bandit in space (but with two Bandits)?