The greatest trick the ugly devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn't exist.

This comment encapsulates everything about my pitiful life. And I love it, because your comment lets me laugh about it.

Little Rock Realtor of the Year 2011 Allison Larson?

[Burns and Smithers fall from ceiling]

That was going to be their closer, but the set got cut short after the Hells Angels "security" started hassling people and some guy pulled out a knife.

I've been seeing more selfies with reversed images lately. What's up with that?

It certainly has a lot to glans-er for.

Cubits, or GTFO!

Hmmm, that rhymes with "stroke"! Quick — someone check on Danette!

What about "vice-president and head of experience"? Shit, I bet that guy thought he had a real, grown-up sounding job, too, when he first got hired. Then he stared at the second part of his title one day and one of his ventricles crumbled into ash inside his chest.

I'm calling bullshit on this ad-free thing. I used a free trial of Hulu's pay service a few years ago, and I STILL had to sit through all the buggy, system-crashing ads I did on the free service. There is no way in hell I would give them any money.

Wait, people actually like Cake? "Going the Distance" gets me feeling stabby in the first few seconds.

I always yearned for a combination that we could call rack-and-rop, but it never panned out. The closest we got was Tom Jones's "If I Only Knew." Sad!

Hootie and the Blowfish suffered the same unfortunate turn of the wheel of chance as the Spin Doctors in that for both bands, their biggest hit ("I Only Wanna Be with You" and "Two Princes," respectively) was not the best single off the album, but nonetheless caught on and got overplayed to the point where people…

You could be the Generation-X president we deserve, if not the one we need.

I would eat Jar Jar Binks. Obviously not all of him — I would share. But I think his shoulders looked like they would be tasty after being roasted for 2 or 3 hours at 275 degrees, shredded, and sever with a vinegar-based sweet barbecue sauce.

"Yeah, this pussy generation needs to fucking get over it."

He's not even going to Montana!

The irony of this is that, in my experience, most of the old folks who would respond favorably to this sentiment would also be offended at his gratuitous profanity.