See, back before the internet someone who could only achieve a full erection by being chained face-down to a sawhorse while three albinos dressed as the movie and TV versions of Colonel Henry Blake threw walnuts at his anus while a midget played Eddie Rabbit's "I love a rainy night" on the ukulele thought "My God,…

One has not truly lived until one has heard applause delivered by the rapid castigation of a pair of consumptive lungs

AKA the "We Gave The Ladies' Rooms Attendants The Night Off" Tour

I think I need to lie down. CBS turned *down* a police procedural drama?
I had assumed they had a thousand monkeys chained to typewriters trying to come up with "CSI: Bazinga!"

I'm still very afraid of him from "Oz."
Yes, I know it was a character and it's just a TV show, but it's live television and I'm pretty sure he's going to carve a swastika in Colin Jost's buttcheek

If you think Kirk Cameron is upset about this news, just wait until he finds out that the banana was also perfectly designed to fit in his butthole.

Because one of these times Larry the Cable Guy *IS* going to come out from the back and take a photo with me and sign my popcorn trough and smite my enemies and THEN BRENDA-SUE FROM HOUSEWARES WILL FINALLY BE SORRY!

Gonna be hard to get school libraries in the South to stock "Marnie's Tossed Salad"

This is…the worst decision…in the world.

(bounces great-grandchild on knee at Tricentennial Parade) "You know, Billy, there was once a day where every show wasn't about the Wahlberg family."
"Sure, Pappy, just like Pope Ariana Grande gave you that Peruvian Butter Churn that one time."

"Oh my God! Rick Baker is a genius! He transformed Alec Baldwin and Geena Davis into hideous, bloated, wrinkled…oh…oh, they haven't gone into makeup yet. Oh. That's a shame."

I'm holding out for Mr. Grandmom and Gunger Hoer, thank you

Jet Jaguar got talked into the wing upgrade?

Must…buy…six…cases Bud Light…six…jacked-up…Silverados…

"I don't know what happened! I taught the kid every move I ever learned, from 'keep your hands by your sides and absorb massive haymakers over and over again while the ref apparently ogles Stu Nathan,' to 'it doesn't matter how physically overmatched you are, eventually you'll get mad enough to land a knockout punch!'"
…

Saw Colin Hay a few years back — he put on a great show, even if his wife/girlfriend had to go all Linda McCartney.

So you got there *after* the sign-up sheet for "Get chained face-down in the zoo while we test new 'Cialis for Rhinocerouses (Rhinoceri?)'" was full?

You haven't lived until you've been to Savannah and gone to the Juliette Gordon Low house to try the "Sherman's Gruel," "Suffrage Scone" and "Polioreo" flavors

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My worst theater experience of 2014 was "Nebraska" at the local art theater — a perfectly flat floor, a screen smaller than my TV at home, and an old guy who thought it was his job to talk Bruce Dern through his problems instead of falling for my repeated offers of free popcorn from the carton in my lap.