Guess what I did?

Gross! Why is it so lumpy? Did you just get out of a coma?

I got your mcCobb right here, ya lousy baby.

ABC just picked up my sitcom "Don't F*** that C*** in the A**, She'll Give You AIDS (Which was Created by the Jews)", so we'll see.

The blacks weren't enough? You gotta go after the asians now too?

I'm black-ish. I commented on an article about the rappist EVE.

As someone who can't help but shake a baby, I implore you to come sit on my lap.

You are the review. It's in your heart. It has been the whole time.

Probably to spook the believers. The rest of us are like "it's funny because it's not true."

Sucky good. Fucky better.

Of course someone named Electric Sheep liked your comment.

Shower Guard 3 will be played by D.Boon's Ghost.

That is so Van Nuys.

Is this article supposed to get us all geared up for It's Ruff Ryders Week At The AV Club next week?

Hey, I know I've been gone awhile, but have you folks noticed that the new format here is kind of sucky? Has it been discussed?

You smell like witch hazel for some reason. If I get cut, you're the first person I call.

I'd give her a rib, if you know what I mean.

"They say 'good black don't crack'. I wish someone would tell that to my vertebrae."

TK Carter. Duh. Like anybody remembers Jimmy Carter.

Have you guys mined the sequel-joke bin yet?