Stop into IKEA for our Memorial Day sale where if you purchase a Söderhamn Sofa we'll throw in an Iron Man for free!

*Actual glass eye falls into damp bar rag used to wipe up spilled Miller High Life on 2 for 1 night at the Rusty Spittoon.

Duck Dynasty is the George W. Bush of television. And by that I mean they lied and got us into a war under false pretenses. Oh and also everyone I know who likes them is an insufferable, ex-cokehead born again Christian.

This album is completely lutefisk. Lutefisk I say!!

"I think I'd rather cauterize my own asshole shut" Sir, I represent a monied conglomerate of theater investors who'd like to turn your idea into a Broadway musical. How'd you like to put on a show?

"My man, you really know how to kill it with that skillet, huh? Hey, whatdya think of the idea of me doing a guest rap on your next album? Sorta like an updated, foodie-centric take on the Fat Boys and I rap out a recipe for a totally killer jalapeno meatloaf?" -Guy Fieri

"My man, you really know how to kill it with that skillet, huh? Hey, whatdya think of the idea of me doing a guest rap on your next album? Sorta like an updated, foodie-centric take on the Fat Boys and I rap out a recipe for a totally killer jalapeno meatloaf?" -Guy Fieri

Is the owner skirting the line between legitimacy and criminality by charging $600 for a $40 bottle of Grey Goose at your table? Cause if so, they should arrest the owners of every club in New York City for highway robbery too.

Is the owner skirting the line between legitimacy and criminality by charging $600 for a $40 bottle of Grey Goose at your table? Cause if so, they should arrest the owners of every club in New York City for highway robbery too.

He had no lawyer and represented himself. When the judged asked him how he pled during his arraignment, he stripped naked, jumped up on a table with his bass and went "Bum…Da Da Da Dum…Bada Dumm….Badada dadadada dadada!!!" Luckily for Nick, the judge is a big fan of "Barney Miller", so he was released on his own…

He had no lawyer and represented himself. When the judged asked him how he pled during his arraignment, he stripped naked, jumped up on a table with his bass and went "Bum…Da Da Da Dum…Bada Dumm….Badada dadadada dadada!!!" Luckily for Nick, the judge is a big fan of "Barney Miller", so he was released on his own…

Excerpt from Ken Burns’ new documentary "My War: The Making Of Red Dawn."

Excerpt from Ken Burns’ new documentary "My War: The Making Of Red Dawn."

Give Jim James a break. He has a crippling addiction to jalapeno peppers and tear inducing hot sauces which causes his tear ducts to constantly well up. The man is very sick and needs professional help.

Give Jim James a break. He has a crippling addiction to jalapeno peppers and tear inducing hot sauces which causes his tear ducts to constantly well up. The man is very sick and needs professional help.

You're also getting too old for that shirt too.

You're also getting too old for that shirt too.

I read somewhere that Kevin Shields spent over 3 years and $500,000 just recording the outgoing message on his voicemail.

I read somewhere that Kevin Shields spent over 3 years and $500,000 just recording the outgoing message on his voicemail.

Sounds like someone's divorced parents have an on going off-again, on-again relationship. You're among friends here Mike. Please tell us about your parental confusion. How does it make you feel?