Man, fuck Randy Quaid.
It needed to be said.

Don't hate me because I look like former President Taft…
…hate me because I'm so goddamn fat.

TV ISN'T REAL, GAWD.

Now THAT'S how you do pretentious literary ownage.

THIS. IS. OZ!!!

Stuttering and insulin injections DO NOT go well together.

Dear God, why? WHY?!?
Why would you keep the surname "Dobkin"? It's just begging to be turned into a bad euphemism for teenage blowjobs…

Diabeetus liked it! It briefly distracted him from his gangrenous foot.

TEENAGE SUICIIIIDE! (Don't do it.)

Sword to the face…
…make with the lulz.

Kirk Douglas isn't dead?
Huh. Learn something new everyday.

CORDUROY HIDES YOUR SHAME.

So Tommy Hollywood knows he's gay, right?
RIGHT?!?

"My abs will fuck you up so bad, eh!"

Shit like this is why Diabeetus cuts himself.
It's way more effective than pinching when one can't tell the difference between dreams and reality.

(nuts)
(flame)-ON

Nope. That's TaintStain McGillicuddy as I live and breathe.

Not too bad. Michael Imperioli is sufficiently strange.

Diabeetus remembers 1989…
…like it was 1999 which was 11 years ago.

Fine, just fine.
Fine.