Probably a good idea to crack open people's heads and feast on the goo inside.

These days you have to pay extra for that, or get in an AV Club Taste Test.

The rumors of tainted treats are definitely encouraged by the manufacturers of pre-packaged candy. Long gone are apples, popcorn balls, cookies, brownies, little bags of semen, etc.

Or under the kitchen sink.

I believe he's known as "Mr. Beverly Glen."

I could see somebody practicing their casting in a park. Or shooting pigeons.

Eh. Glass half empty.

Hey, you're not my dad. You're Hitler!

Well, if you think about it, who would be so dumb as to give out dangerous candy from the place where they live?

During the Baby Boom there were so many kids around that nobody worried if a few of them ended up missing or killed in some bizarre way. There were more where they came from. Supply and demand.

When I was in college, a buddy of mine used to meet kids at the door to his apartment holding an apple with a big, obvious razor blade sticking out of it. It was intended to be funny, and it was because it was so obvious, but in these sensitive times he'd probably get a S.W.A.T. team smashing through his window.

A cold night in the cemetery is always a good way to scare the kids.

Growing up, my neighborhood was so tough we had broken glass coming out of the local fire hydrants.

AH SHOOD SAYAH SO!

We want people to get help, but… no Chopra, no Scientology, please.

She's America's Sweetheart.

Who me? Maybe you but not me.

I would volunteer to sniff out any cocaine in those treats.

I'm guessing these were mostly pranks gone wrong and not actual attempts by crazy people to harm children.

She's funny on Drunk History when she's drunk.