Ferguson throws in some thought-provoking material every once in a while, and I like the fact that he's probably suffered through more hang-overs than my entire Irish clan put together. It's relatable. It's harder to relate to, say, Leno's 70-car garage full of threatened masculinity.

Back in the day you could slip into a Dunkin Donuts just before closing and have the Guatamalan grandmother behind the counter take a dump in the plexiglass Coolata tub for an extra $100. Ah, the late-night Pooplattas ruled.

That should be muttered, not IN ALL CAPS.

As in, "Notice the velcord that's achieved between my ass hair and your nose hair."?

Mick Jagger. Case closed, file under David Bowie precedent.

I'm telling you, Steven Seagal's "The Patriot". I don't even know if it made it to DVD, but it is the worst. movie. ever.

The Road! the musical.

That girl is poyyyyyyson. Poison. Poison. Poison.

"So, what you're telling me is that you entered this suburban house with a flaming torch, expecting to find a busload of women and children who could dig their own graves, but you didn't plan on setting anything on fire?"

I thought all those guys were perfect schlubs. With massive gear.

Look, Gianna Michaels is no looker, but god damn she has the skills they just don't teach the young ladies these days.

For the Flock of Seagulls videos, of course.

I'm looking forward to "America". PTA and FBI.

I WANT YOUR EYES
…and, how long do I have to lurk in the shadows outside your window before Elektra: Assassin can eviscerate the memory of Jennifer Garner?

Finally my basement full of naked human cattle gets the big-screen treatment it deserves! More Big Macs for everyone. EVERYONE.

Fuck. I'm just hanging up the jock strap after that Prison Wine post.

The "clean and safe" fake-police have a couple of these in Portland, and they actually move at a good clip. I would like to see one catch a tire in the streetcar tracks.

This puts my Roche-Bobois FunSlides to shame.

I think the only out for Michael Richards is if they redo Amazon Women on the Moon, and he plays the "stuntman".

It means there's no way in hell I take myself so seriously that I would actually mean it with the posturing up there about my stupid little story. So fuck you and your lazy thumb-typing.