Glad to see the NFL police are conducting a fair investigation.

What’s the over/under for mentions of the NYC attack versus that of the Vegas attack? And follow-up how much will they make sure to specify the need to stop terrorism versus gun-related fatalities?

If only there was a good guy with some good questions that could have stopped him. “Don’t all lives matter?” “Without statues how will we remember history?” “Didn’t our Founding Fathers fight for our right to own grenade launchers?”

Trump can suck a butt. This unnamed ex-Twitter employee is a hero. He’s America’s version of that anonymous guy who stood in front of the tanks in Tiananmen Square.

What a time to be alive, y’know?

Damone’s Five-Point Plan for Winning a Sexual Harassment Lawsuit:

I can’t with the stupid today...

For starters if you’re getting the bone slipped to you you almost certainly want more than 70mm.

Republicans on Las Vegas shooting: “Too early to politicize this tragedy.”

Would you have driven it down to the shore?

Donald Trump is no longer Elon Musk’s best friend, but his imprinting stands.

well...you can join me....

Good god, man! You’re delirious! Possibly from eating a pre-recipe-change Dominos pizza.

It’s probably safer to assume that this old white guy hasn’t actually changed since joining the administration, and that this is just who he’s always been.

“it’s unclear why this is what tipped the scales into a “wait a second, maybe WE’RE the problem territory.”

Even his response was predictable.

*raise your hand if your first thought on seeing the headline was “Well, that one was only a matter of time”*

Finally someone comes clean! After the recent headlines about people acting horribly we’ve all been on our high horses pretending that we are above reproach. But let’s be honest for a change ... I mean, who here hasn’t dismembered a hitch hiker now and then, or spent their weekends making obscene propositions to…

Since it’s eventually going to come out anyway, I’m here to admit that once, without asking, I rubbed up against myself in an elevator. I was legal at the time, however, and I was legal as well, because I’m a monster, not a monster.

I’ll bet she beat fucking Dragon’s Lair.