Just lie and tell yourself they're all big Zapp Branigan fans, and you'll feel so much better.

Lose your wife, kids, and dog? I thought these guys made rap music, not country.

I recently got my first tablet (Kindle Fire), and I'm going to visit my cousin and her three adorable girls (7-year old twins and the 5-year old). I'm honestly going to ask them to show me how to use the tablet. Sure, I could figure it out myself, but we can bond this way, and they'll feel good about teaching…

This is #2 on the list of stereotypes that are ridiculous, because it's true for just about everyone. #1? Jews love money.

It's not really from anything, though if I wrote for a comedy, I'd put that exchange in there somewhere. Someone else in pop culture has probably done something like it. I'm busting your balls a bit, but not too much, because I mentally correct people's grammar, too.

"He happened to like hookers!"

He found the music so "meh", he couldn't be bother to finish the "meh".

"Who were you on the phone with?"

Bobby Moynihan might not have gotten much screen time, but his tearful, proud face and whispered "Love you" to Pete Davidson in the student/teacher sketch was a highlight.

How did Six-Year-Old-Me not know of this show's existence?!?! Was it on too early on Saturday mornings (I've never been a morning person). Man, Princess Ariel would have pointed the boy I was toward a lifetime of having a thing for beautiful, exotic brunettes. Which, okay, happened anyway, as embodied by the lovely…

Ah, reminds me of one of my favorite The Onion stories:

How did I never see this before?!?!

Crusty mole? Ewwww. No one would be gay for that.

OK, new TV show pitch. Dana Delaney and Mary Steenburgen team up and seduce younger men, maybe do other stuff or whatever.

Good to know, but it was definitely my attacks that killed them. I was tempted to go back to a save where they were still alive, but it felt right to move on. It helps that followers are really easy to come by.

Like you, I've started and restarted the games as characters so many times. Can be much more fun early on. Like Mr. Barsanti, I've been anguished by the loss of my beloved sidekick … twice! The worst part, it seems your follower can only be killed in battle by you, not enemy damage. Early on, I lost loyal and…

I deal baccarat at a casino, a game with a lot of Asian gamblers hoping for a big run of luck. Each table has nine spots, and they're numbered #1-10. Yep, we skip #4.

Yes, I did watch the commercial after the first post-monologue sketch, waiting for it to turn into a parody before I realized it was legit.

Ironically, I missed the entire cold open because I was watching the game at work, and it takes me twenty minutes to get home.

"…working in the then just-breaking news of Kansas’ Kentucky's shocking loss"