If my spam mail is any indication, the internet was created solely to increase men's penis size exponentially.

And honestly, they've already killed off Book and Wash… so much of that show's appeal was the ensemble cast. Wouldn't that value be diminished with two of the characters having been removed, and the central conflict of the Alliance chasing the Tams resolved? It seems like Serenity the movie really killed off any…

Funny…. I'd always pictured Bieber as being on the receiving end. It even sort of rhymes… "Bieber = receiver".

Why aren't there awards to honor my abject hatred of Steely Dan?

Watchmen was just weird. It's been awhile since it came out, I've seen it a few times, and I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I don't know that Wilson was the best thing about it, but then again I'd be hard pressed to say definitively what was…

Where the white women zombies at?!

By now you probably know.

However, deliberately provocative shit like that is certainly where his reputation as a douche came from.

Well now my eyes hurt.

Damn Doctor Memory. Me and the Japanese have got so little in common it's a wonder I enjoy their chicken katsu so much. That's a strange cultural expectation (in my eyes of course), and oddly (again to me) non-erotic. But it definitely fits with what I've seen of mainstream Japanese porn.

I think every Newswire should include a parenthetical note as to whether or not there is or is not any Franco involved.

I would buy 40,000 goldfish from her.

Hey Quiet Wyatt, I slaved all day in the kitchen just so when you got home, you could have a lovely blood-and-semen sausage. Can you guess where I got the blood? And the semen?

Sure, a cadre of trained crickets turn the wheels and levers, wheels and levers, click click click whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

And that's why they're NEVER going to get me to eat at Olive Garden again.

Actually were I to go with a new band name out of this article it'd be Diaper Cowboy.

Will You Marry Me also has yet another avatar that makes me horny. Goddammit, Micucci does it for me!

Eric Roberts is Julia Roberts' less talented and less successful brother. I think his most memorable recent role was as Sal Maroni the crime boss in The Dark Knight.

I think the only difference between what a lot of southern women use for their hair and a chip clip is that the hair thing has teeth where it holds the hair together, whereas the chip clip is just two flat surfaces where they hold the bag closed. Other than that, they're pretty much identical.

The Touch is my favorite song to sing while getting a handjob.