I like fucking Swedes, but yeah, I could do without the Scotsmen. They're a terrible band with nary a viable single on any of their albums.

Much like my jimmy: there's no shame in not liking my jimmy, but there IS shame in not liking my jimmy when you haven't tried it out.

Hey, you're me, in fifteen years!

If the haunting occurs at Olive Garden, it could be both!

Why not start with the one in the middle?

.08s? Pansy.

…especially when they're shooting out of my butt at a machine-gun rate.

I'm not an Arriaga character
But I've definitely got some chuckles. Chuckles aplenty, you might say. A plethora of chuckles. Some have even termed me a "chucklehead".

Much of the current crop of music is already shit; it's just a matter of aging…

I'm an ugly dude, but I make some BEAUTIFUL homemade porn.

You'll have to wait for some fineass cinema verite documentary about Fleet Foxes or something I guess.

Not according to most angel-related movies.

Pegging is all the rage in Iowa.

"ulgy" being an adjective meaning "like algae, in that it's gross and slimy, oh yeahhhhh".

Whereas my whole failure is the study of life.

I think bulimia is the first most obvious example of beautiful people doing ulgy things.

If you really were a voluptuous girl, I'd invite you to masturbate in front of me, but this being the internet, there's no way to be sure you wouldn't end up unfolding a big old pube-snake, causing me to retch toilet-wise Stephen Rea-style.

If I got my hands on said Fox marketing wizards, I would have a posse of blind dwarves fill those marketing wizards' asses with engorged bull penis.

I thought to "gleek" was to squirt salivary fluid out from under your tongue onto someone. I knew a guy who was a master of that back in middle school.

That's what people ask me… "how can someone so sexy be so talented and awesome?"