♫ I never meant to cause you any sorrow
I never meant to cause you any pain
I only wanted to one time to see you laughing
I only wanted to see you
Laughing like a purple whore ♫

He's still mad since the one time he visited the bathroom because somebody told him there was cake in the urinal…

"Curt Schilling is so dumb…"
[how dumb is he?]
"He's so dumb, he thought 'Road Island' was a segment of
'Grand Theft Auto'…"

I heard they're gonna stream NBA basketball games next season, and call it

Q: Are We Not Men? A: We Are Vevo!

One of 'em is playing Juman and the other is playing Ji

My friends and I still say "I gotta get my car outta this bad area!" whenever we park at concerts and sporting events…

[Deleted scene from Lee Daniels' 'The Butler', after the Butler has killed a man]

"Wouldn’t it be funny if that novel got read by like, five guys right now… like right now?”

#memberofthelollipopheadguild

I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's

"Feels like an Arbys Seger night"

He played "Mike O'Brien" playing "Oprah"

To remind you that life is futile, and our time here on Earth is limited…






and you just lost 90 minutes of your life to this?!?!

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We're sure glad to be here in Kokomo tonight. We're The Good Ole Blues Brothers Boys Band…

Leslie Jones doing cartwheels in the background was actually pretty funny, and it was one of those "I didn't know they could do that!" moments like Bill Clinton playing a saxophone, or a bear riding a bicycle.

Plus, a dingo did eat his baby

Super Dave Osborne

"…He received a lifetime achievement award from the Kennedy Center For The Performing Arts in 2010 and was honored at a gala with musical performances from…Kid Rock…"

*Dustin Diamond angrily tweets Christian Slater's home address from his jail cell*