"In order to properly prepare the beer can chicken, first you must empty the beer can. You will want several empty beer cans in reserve in case the first does not work. Take this ball point pen and stick it into the side of the can…"

I was standing behind Lemieux in a security line at Pearson airport recently. An unbelievable and shocking story, I know, but it's true. I was going to ask him how he was doing and why he was in the lineup like every other schmo, but didn't.

If you'd ever been attacked by a Kissing Bandit, you'd think differently.

That was the Munroe rape one, yes indeed. And I recall you, Noel, addressing this before and saying the only thing keeping you from doing it was that you haven't been able to find the episode. Neither have I, and believe me I've looked. Too bad.

I have though. Thankfully it was a stoned drunk 20 year old girl, and I encouraged it with great gusto.

He's just not in any particular hurry is all. What's wrong with that?

If his torso swung open to reveal beautiful breasts, that would be sexier.

WHY NOT TAKE THE TRAIN.

I oll slap you in the gunch

Well I'll be there, that's a big ten-four.
If Brad Pitt was my dad and he asked me to hit him, what would I do? Hit him, I suppose, and then dance in the DDT.

Not Close Enough For Comfort
I really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really hope tomorrow's mystery column is the "For Every Man There's Two Women" episode of Too Close For Comfort.

Lobsters Sr.: HOW DARE YOU REACH OUT TO ME, SON.

How did any episodes of "Lucky Louie," a show I've never heard of, "change the landscape of television"? Was it a Telemundo show or something?

Being There totally does, you're right.

Oh, right, I'm Pepoohsten!

Who the hell is Reggie Noble?
He was referenced right at the top of the interview, the album seems to be named after this guy, yet you never say who the fuck he is.

I'll not wager a fine fat goose on your personal opinions. But I thought he was pretty hilarious too.

Juanito, how can you both call down the juvenile homophobia (which the movie had in surfeit and didn't need, I agree) and also be repulsed by the naked dudes tubbing together? They're not the most attractive guys, true, but they were just trying to have a little fun in 1985.

If the Comics Curmudgeon wrote the screenplay, it would just be endless scenes of Marmaduke receiving orders directly from Satan, and then gorging messily on the flesh of the innocent, pausing only to pick his teeth with their bones. Repeat, repeat, for 90 minutes.

I agree with what Subway Justice says. Some laffs there for the drunk & high man. But I will admit it reeked of promise (not of "it all," but promise nevertheless) unfulfilled.