I object to Obamacare if only because it might be used to treat your pre-existing cancerAIDS.

Rest assured, should my presidential bid be unsuccessful, I will indeed occupy Wall Street. Specifically a nice corner office there, where I can look out my window and laugh at the huddled masses below.

I'm sick of these migrants that come to American television and take our jobs. We need laws in place that will stop this sort of thing. As president, I will enact and enforce laws that keep these Hollywood immigrants out of the television industry.

Just because Lisa needs braces doesn't mean we need Obamacare!

As a longtime pro-life advocate, I object to your suggestion that we should take this Simpsons patient off life support. No, it should be forced to go on living, awkwardly cramming in appearances from celebrities, and making passing glances at what could only marginally qualify as humor.

In honor of The Simpsons- from when it didn't suck complete ass- I'm introducing my response to the Buffet Tax: the Burns Tax.

Removing lunch regulations will allow all lunches to improve. Truly excellent lunches will trickle down to those used to regular lunches.

This is like a scientific theory, in that I don't understand what either of them are.

NO INCEST.

The policies of this administration have forced Americans to consider eating hats. As president, I'll make sure that Americans have healthier, more nutritious things to eat.

Stop doing that! You're hurting the job creators!

Anyone who is against Dawes shouldn't be able to call themselves American. I support making Dawes lyrics the official language of this great nation.

Listen, subsidies are not the way this nation is going to get great again. Unless it is subsidies to the oil companies, which my friends at ExxonMobil assure me are sorely needed.

In my America, it will be Dawes or GTFO!

I, for one, share in the moral outrage of my friends here at the Parents' Television Council. I'm glad to see that NBC has listened to the concerns of America's parents and taken this filth off the air. Now gi…

Well, this and the taxes on America's rich.

I don't get it. I come here to pander to these hipster fucks by saying I enjoy their well-written comedy programs rather than acknowledging how hilarious the dick and fart jokes are on Two and a Half Men, and some asshole on our staff still leaks our plan?

When I am president, there will be six seasons AND a movie!

SHIT! Who leaked that?!

What the crap? As president, my first order of business will be to give Whitney the death penalty. Community and Parks and Rec for all, Whitney for none, and miniature American flags for most!