My son is a chef who was recently arrested for heroin possession. However, my son assures me that the heroin was actually placed in his chef whites by the company that launders his chef uniform. I will be taking no more questions on this issue.

You don't understand. If the job creators are forced to pay you, they won't be able to create more unpaid internships. Why do you hate jobs?

Not when I'm president, friend.

This administration has destroyed lunch. From my first day in office, I'm going to overturn every lunch-related regulation I can through executive order, and get America back to lunch.

Taxes have caused these cushy unpaid intern jobs to be outsourced to lands without such stringent labor regulations. We need to get rid of these labor regulations and put Americans back to work. Menial, potentially dangerous, undignified work!

If this thing is just here to promote some liberal agenda, I won't stand for it.