My tax-cutting message didn't connect with the 47% of booze that doesn't pay income tax.

My tax-cutting message didn't connect with the 47% of booze that doesn't pay income tax.

When I'm president and English is the official language, this joke won't exist. It's big red NO or it's nothing!

This is yet another case of what happens when you let Big Brother run everything! If we're not careful, this is exactly what will happen here. Now if you'll all excuse me, I'm off to give a speech for the Parents' Television Council on how Jersey Shore is destroying society and Elmo is making our children gay.

This is exactly the type of plan that is putting Americans back to work: making animated videos for no pay. If we're going to be competitive with the Koreans, we have to work harder and we have to work cheaper- and the only thing cheaper than what they charge is free.

This is an administration that hates cupcakes the way the terrorists hate our freedom.

When it comes to whores, I Buy American!

Ha ha, hi Oprah! Oh, I'm so glad to be on your show today. My wife and I are big fans. You know, we really love your show so much and…hang on, let me flip through my note cards here…ah yes. Self-deprecating joke? What does that mean? Ken, what does that mean?

I respect all life. Unless it's a criminal's life. Or a terrorist's. Or someone in a country we're at war with. Mostly I just respect the life of babies that aren't born yet, is what I'm getting at.

That issue will also feature a fascinating interview with me, so I'll be buying 54 copies. And I'll only ejaculate on several of them.

Class warfare is when the poor attempt to take a share in the excessive wealth of the rich.

You won't be laughing when they come for your wallet! You know, when the class warfare finally starts. Which we all know it will.

Sigh. Just another show where the lamestream media focuses on providing health care in this country rather than on putting people back to work. I haven't watched it, so I will just assume there is a subtle implication that death panels are ok, as per the prescribed liberal talking points.

This is the problem this administration has; its priorities are all out of whack. Instead of focusing on providing Americans with baked goods, the president has wasted his time trying to provide health care and financial reform.

This again? I've shown you my birth certificate 17 times already!

The fact that Two Broke Girls still exist in this country is evidence that this president's administration has failed us! The struggles of these poor, large-chested girls are sad and not the least bit funny. We should be examining the policies that made them broke in the first place.

My policy is simple: Know beards, no censorship. If your band features men with beards, you will never be censored. Also, Radiohead never gets censored.

Thank you, citizen. I believe my friends in the AV Club comment section said it best when they said "Dawes or GTFO!"

Under my administration, we'll bring back Napster specifically to prevent things like this. The fact that the president hasn't acted to stop this already is a travesty and yet another instance of his failed leadership.

Exactly. It's right there in my campaign platform, behind "No new taxes", but ahead of "Make schoolchildren recite the Ten Commandments instead of doing math."