sh-e w-as oh-nly th-hurt-een years owld…

Alec Berg. That's a great John Houseman name. "Alec Beeeehhhrrrg! Mr. Beeeehhhrrrg!".

We don't let them in! This goes for the guys, too. Because sometimes the guys are tapped out. But check your lease, man. Because you're living in Fuck City!

Bring Patrice and Giraldo back from the dead while you're at it!

Sometimes it hurts!

First… you gotta separate the teases.

She's a melon felon

Andy Richter? The Swedish german?

"Iggy… you like movies about gladiators?"

"And I'm gonna kick her out of my house just so my charmless, humourless dud of a daughter would come and live with me so that we can be passive, depressed schlubs together and drown in our dourness."

Hey. I want that pill. Get me that pill.

I'm orff to have a bahth I suppose…

Current Onion front page titles: "God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe.", "Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match.", "Corporation Wants Media Company Making Branded Entertainment To Just Have Fun With It." and a very funny article lampooning Hillary, "Clinton Ominously…

Bally Jerry pranged his kite right in the how's your father. Hairy blighter dicky-birded, feathered back on his Sammy, took a waspy, flipped over on his Betty Harper's and caught his can in the Bertie.

Der ver zwei peanuts, valking down der strasse, und von vas assaulted… peanut.

I think you're worrying over nothing. The Onion is pure apolitical silliness.

So are you worried there's gonna be a flood of pro-Hillary Onion articles?

News of this movie is really spreading…

Illuminaterpuss Confirmed

Potent Potables for $50,000 please Alex.