What will it take for Obama to start being Obama?

You're both wrong. It's a remake of "Help!" You know, with the Beatles.

When in doubt, turn to the wisdom of Abraham Lincoln:

It's…it's…it's ALTAR BOY!!! Da-da-dummmmmmmm!!!!!

If you see someone getting attacked, yell "fire." That'll bring people in.

Yeah! Who needs Navy SEALs when you've got emotionally stunted man-child sex abuse victims with red panties on their heads interrupting street-level sales of low-grade marijuana?

Sometimes you just happen to have loaded gun in pocket when entering bakery. This America. If Founding Fathers not want us to have liberty, why they give us right to bear arms in first place? This concern all of us. Our basic freedoms. Me have buddies who died face down in the muck so we could all enjoy friendly…

Arrrggghhhhh….rrrrrrr….gurglgurglegurglegurrr….AAARRRMMMMMYYY!!!!! ARMY STRONNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!! ARRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!

It's even funnier when fat guys play baseball.

Retardo Montalban

Ten BILLION dollars.

Hiram Katz!

Don't forget "Getting paid $35 million to quit your job!"

Gordon's ALIVE?

Why is his face always so puffy? I looks like that one kid who always insisted on putting the whole 6 feet of Bubbletape in his mouth all at once. FOR YOU, NOT THEM.

That's "whom," actually.

Hey fellas,

I heard they saved his soul, and it is currently in all of us.

MUGABE SHOCKED TO LEARN HITLER HAD SIMILAR MUSTACHE

Why would Kanye invade Poland when he could invade Richland instead?