Face, schmace. She has a beautiful mind.

My lark would never rise for Candleford.

There's a scene where he gets arrested at a protest in New York, and he's sitting in the back of a cop car. He doesn't know the camera's on him at first. Then when he notices it, he starts writhing in pain like he's having a seizure or something. There's another scene where he's walking around DC pointing out how the…

Look for the documentary "New World Order." That'll teach you everything you need to know about Alex Jones. Honest to God, he doesn't want to be the Messiah of the Truth. But you gotta give the people what they want.

Well, he and his father both served in Vietnam War movies. Maybe he found an anthill in his yard, and he's training them as guerillas. Some people are allergic to ants.

…all those poor little bastard Africans with English surnames…they didn't invent themselves, you know.

Something something Jefferson airplane.

Zach Galipaganopolis as a BUMBLING bodyguard and Britney Spears as a RETARDED singer.

Of course, he had other women in his life. And drugs. Lots of pills. Fame really got to his head, and he was a jerk to everyone who ever loved him. Artistic types are like that. And they need to be excused because, you know, they create art.

Who put these iguanas on my coffee table?

My father attended a smalltown Catholic school where he was abused by nuns. During high school a counselor spoke to his class, saying that a quarter of them would go on to college and make lots of money, a quarter would work very hard but make enough to live comfortably, a quarter would be ditch-digging steel-driving…

Didn't you hear? I'm a 12-year old virgin. I'm gonna be a priest when I grow up.

I also got to see a northern goshawk take down a pheasant. They landed in the snow and left picture-perfect imprints of their wings.

The fuck are you talking about? I shot a coyote this afternoon.

Man, dangold-lasstimahseenashowon-MTV-mandonevenknowdanold, man. Twelve.

I just Villanched all over my keyboard.

Fuck, I don't even know what a text file is.

I'm surprised this hasn't been grittily rebooted for the digital age with a Perez Hilton-type instead of Walter Winchell.

The King's Peach.

I sure hope Bruce Villanch sees this article.