the "theme song" during the opening credits was hilarious: "this dude is a cop and sometimes he's awake, but he's also awake when he sleeps.  this is 'Awake' and the theme song is now over."

who DOESN'T want to have sex with whoopi goldberg?

I love to drink orange juice after brushing my teeth

"Battlefield Earth" was great.

cover her breasts.  I'm a man, flesh and blood.

it feels like my toes were covered in slimy purple coprophilic tortoises

you like courtroom drama parody?  then you should watch this:
http://www.youtube.com/watc…

sean o'neal is a national treasure

sean o'neal is a national treasure

are we talking about "hanging out with" or "fucking?" 
i'll agree with you on the first one but it might take some convincing on the second

how does a person ask for one of those? 
for the sake of argument, let's talk about breath mints. 
"would you like a breath mint?" "Yes."
"Please give me a breath mint." "what?"

occasionally i'll watch movies with the sound off, but this is the movie that i'm tempted to watch with the video off

yup

YEEEEHH!  *mumblegrowl*  YEEEEEHH!  *mumblegrowl* YEH YEEAAAHH!

sean o'neal is a national treasure

i don't get it. 
also, i really like Sunn O))).  that Domkirke album is some good shit.  i guess Black One and Flight of the Behemoth were good too.  the Altar collaboration with Boris was also worth hearing over and over again.

..and that is the punchline to my second favorite joke about diarrhea

He-he had a gun. And…and he made me… he-he
made me do it. He-he-he put that thing on me! And then-then he made
me wear it!

Bebop exhaustedly rose to his feet and wiped the sweat from his snout.
"Thanks for the 'interview,' you guys," April said, smiling, as she crawled away from Rocksteady and weakly reached for her trademark jumpsuit.
etc

thanks.  i think it was my throat and not the stomach.