"During the Age Of Exploration, European sailors to the New World encountered bounteous populations of green sea turtles in the West Indies. Enormous specimens weighing hundreds of pounds were sold live or dead at the market."

I have always wanted a tortoise as a pet, but I'm worried about the whole salmonella thing. I have always scrubbed my hands after helping turtles across roads. Is salmonella/bacteria really a concern with pet turtles or tortoises?

Fun fact: the ingredients of mock turtle soup (from the calf's head) is also called "face meat".
Face Meat is a good band name.

I live in an area with a very high population of people over 70. You've heard it said that people get cranky and mean when they get old? It's a myth. *People like that have always been that way, they just didn't know they were going to live this long!*
Some people, at one earlier point in their miserable lives, decide…

"No time for pants, Jerry! I'll make you some pants!"

Never answer a literal call to adventure. Let it go to voice mail.
Words that should be on a plaque on my porch, right next to Never Go Back To The Carpet Store.

That's the reason I detest the Joey-Loves-Rachel arc with the burning hatred of a thousand suns.
It's like wait, this unapologetic man-whore is suddenly blindingly in love and we are supposed to feel bad that he's friendzoned? Fuck you, writers!

I made my House-super-fan friend watch an episode of the excellent Jeeves and Wooster, and she was about as confused as seeing Iwan Rheon on Vicious.

"No! I'm not watching the bloody Good Life! Bloody, bloody, BLOODY! I HATE IT! It's so bloody NICE! Felicity "Twinkle" Kendall! And Richard "Sugar-Flavored Snot" Briers! They are nothing but a couple of reactionary stereotypes confirming the myth that everyone in Britain is a lovable, middle-class eccentric, and I…

Looks like mister fancy-pants rock critic hates The Final Cut, which renders this "list" garbage.
In other news, The Final Cut is a goddamn masterpiece.

Dan really has no clue about the female side of things, to the point of being obtuse.
One time a straight married guy wrote to Dan complaining that his wife didn't want to have sex right after she had their third child. Dan suggested - you guessed it - hiring a sex worker!
Great advice, Dan, but…oh I don't know…maybe…

Sooo he can't smell the vaginas of fives, then?

Only in America!

Fred Rogers' metalness crosses all boundaries. I had to share this Twitter exchange recently:
Twit 1: Mr Rogers would have lifted Mjolnir easily.
Twit 2: No, Thor would have politely handed Mjolnir to him.
Twit 3: Mjolnir would have flown to Mr Rogers the moment he was in proximity. Mr Rogers would warmly greet Mjolnir…

Upvoted for Mr McFeelNothing.

Prince of Peace is a good brand too. I buy all their varieties online, but I like their pu-erh the most. Amazon sells a box of 100 bags super cheap (about 7 cents a bag).
The earthy smell/taste of pu-erh can be an acquired taste, but I really love it. I call it "my dirt tea". For some reason, nobody wants to try it…

Newspapers are repeating Peanuts and FBOFW, and keep printing fucking zombie strips like Crock and Snuffy Smith (seriously, WTF comic syndicates?). So why not bring back Pogo? The politics are still relevant, no updates necessary!

At first I thought you meant Pogo the comic strip. One of the best comics ever.

Really, what is up with that? Sorry that happened, man. I used to live in Santa Monica and the Pier was one of my favorite places.

I swear I will lose my shit on the next person who rudely sneers, "Excuse ME!" because they think I might be keeping them from walking in a goddamn straight line.
Seriously, I try to be conscious where I'm going/standing, and I get out of other people's way all the time. A polite "Pardon", or "Whoops, excuse me,…