In the future, all technical nominees will be loaded into cannons in the Dolby Theatre parking lot; the winners will be shot into the Pacific Ocean.

ACTING! GENIUS! THANK YOU!

Quick!  Put this fruit in your wine so they'll think it's sangria!

Nick Swardson.

DINGERS!  DINGERS!

What makes a man, Mr. LaBeoufski?

"sometimes, you've gotta write your name on the pumpkin"

Pet rabbits and/or dogs do not count as roommates, sir or madam.

reference to SASHA Grey's pornographic career, Soderbergh reference.

tangential Soderbergh reference, Spaulding Gray reference

"Trust me, I know you and everyone else hates him."
*Nervously looks around office*

::helicopter falls from sky, onto Lecter::

I saw this at its world premiere at Just For Laughs Chicago.  Eddie, Feinartz, and Patton Oswalt were all there and did a Q&A after.  There's a moment in the film where Eddie is bemoaning his somewhat marginalized status on the comedy scene and says [yells] something to the effect of "Who the fuck is Aziz Ansari?" or…

I met my girlfriend ten years ago.  We met only once at some social event but had a meaningful connection.  She was a couple years younger and I went away to college.  We wrote back and forth a couple times but eventually fell out of touch.  Just this last year she friended me on FB after 10 years of not talking.  She…

I feel the same way about the Domino's delivery guy.

Right, it's like for god's sake someone please feed this anorexic elephant, you know?

The 20/20 Experience:  A film by Steven Soderbergh featuring Barbara Walters as a washed-up call girl.

Cue "The Long and Winding Road", slowly fade to black.

*[A] is chloroformed and dragged away from his computer, never to be seen again*

New no-no:  If Aukerman can't take his advertisers seriously … I have every right to not take my career seriously.