Previously on BEN HARMON'S BEST LINES: The year is 2011; we were all so innocent and Ben Harmon was but a glimmer in Ryan Murphy’s eye. American Horror Story premiered on October 5, 2011, it was a horror series starring Connie Britton, Connie Britton’s Hair, and Jessica Lange. “Mrs. Coach!” We thought, “Mrs. Coach…

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McDermott came, he cried, he murdered.

Maybe it's because it all happened in a vacuum and that I, too, was possessed by Satan/Lily Rabe, but, for my money, it's one of the best seasons of TV we've had since the second season of Justified, which is an all-timer. Keyword words being: one of the best, not the best. I definitely need to rewatch it to see if it…

Of course, I apologize. I'm crysturbating furiously with joy.

Guys, just an FYI:

Lesson number three: everyone has to wear the same heels.

Murder Santa is legendary.

You're in luck because that's just in the very first episode of the first season. It gets better/worse as it goes on. Watch it immediately.

A season of AHS where McDermott plays all the roles and the finale reveals it was all a fever dream Dermot Mulroney is having because McDermott ricined him.

"Is yours inches thick, father?"

There were a lot of funnier jokes this season, but none got me like the cast of Outsourced. I'm not even sure it was intented 100% as a joke, probably just a clever nod, but I was doubled over howling. I don't even think it was supposed to be that funny, but it was just so fucking random. Holy shit, it had been awhile…

"I'm going to sit opposite of you so it won't look bad."

I can't wait for next week because all I want to talk about is the cast of Outsourced.

I'm only up to the 4th episode, but I need to talk about the cast of Outsourced popping up in Lindsay's episode. I couldn't tell you why I find it so funny, the Workaholic guys popped up and that was alright, but the cast of Outsourced at fucking random? It's been a solid 10 hours and I'm still laughing, I'm cackling…

“It’s my mother. SHES! The one! The ONLY one who can make me feel this way. EEEEVERY time I think of her makes me want to do things! BAAAAAAAD THIIIIINGSSSSSS! You think it’s easy? You think it’s eeeaaassyyy? I can’t fawget.”

“Breastfeeding is so important for early development.”

"I skinned a cat. [beat][beat][beat][beat][mumbles as if still in Rubber Man suit] Itwasalreadydead."

"I always, ah [beat] [scratches beard], had these impulses, you know, [continues scratching beard] even as a kid. First time I tried it, it was scaaary, but felt amaazing.”

“I have a rocking body and a tittie full of milk, let me help you forget her."