I'm pretty sure you could rely on the Appleby's waitress to stop the child bride as I have a feeling that her daddy or pimp with eight wives and thirty-two children isn't tipping more than 5% no matter how great the service might be…and at Appleby's it's not going to be that good.

The amount of news coverage devoted to this on other media outlets seem to be a bit much. It's sad that she died, but her filmography wasn't exactly legendary. The media seems to have quite the obsession with random celebrities. Bit actor Ron Silver, barely a peep, bit actor Natasha Richardson, stop the presses. It's…

I sure hope that the Mormon secret handshake to get past the guardian angels involves waving your hand from side to side, up and down, and then slapping the angel across both cheeks and then making a run for it, a la the Three Stooges…it would almost legitimize their goofy sect.

I'm pretty sure this "Thomas Pinnau, Vice President of Indulgence" is really Thomas Pynchon out having some fun before his new book is released this year. That guy's a real cut-up!

Can't we all just agree we'd like to see Larry tied down, his mouth crammed to the point of choking to death with pork rinds so he can't close it while guys dressed as Osama bin Laden pour bleach down his throat while screaming "git-r-done" at him?

There, there, Amelie. Now, let's all forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream!

This show is even better than "Small Wonder," where in the acclaimed third season Ted is diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer and to help his family he secretly begins making more Vicki robots to work as tiny sex slaves with the help of a former student who has become a pimp.

At least these kids have a grand mother, no matter how shitty. When my mother was busy she would pawn me off with Grand Moff Tarkin for the afternoon. Totally inappropriate as a baby sitter, but he did teach me a lot about ruling through fear.

Apparently Mr. Myers didn't realize that the only Indians that Americans want to see are the kind that win crappy gameshows through a series of inexplicably convenient and contrived ways.

Finally a chance to have "celebrities, comedians and athletes" who know absolutely nothing about my wife or I and most likely nothing about healthy relationships to judge me. No doubt a bunch of these "celebrities" will be former contestants from The Bachelor and The Bachelorette. In other news ABC is developing a…

It's too bad that went over so poorly. I'm guessing after the speech Eric Cantor took him out back of the LA Governor's mansion into the barn and taught him what the term "Republican whip" means down south to people of Jindal's persuasion.

I was wary upon hearing about this musical, but if they can score Nathan Lane to play Peter Parker, Bjork as Mary Jane, and Larry David as J. Jonah Jameson, I know everything will be fine. Oh, and Vangelis composing the all synth score.

Nicholas Cage really needs to team up with director M. Night Shyamalam for a film and get both Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer to produce. It would be a hot nine hour action movie mess that would make Any Warhol's Empire State Building movie look like a perfectly reasonable piece of cinema by comparison.

Actually that black guy with Cameron Diaz is a billionaire who owns a controlling stake in Acura. She wasn't even invited (why would she be?), he just felt sorry for her and said she could tag along for the promotional event.

Judd Apatow promises that there will be up to and including 1.5x as much funny stuff in the actually two and a half hour movie as in the two minute and a half minute trailer.

@Tom Waits for Snowman — I think you forgot that after a creepy musical rant like that, the general trend is then to brutally butcher whomever you're talking to with an axe while screaming questions like, "You think you're better than me now, you smug fuck?" Just though I'd point that out.

This son of a bitch, he should be executed for foisting that ridiculous Da Vinci Code on the world. What? Dan Brown? You're off the hook this time Simmons, but you're a dead man if I even here a rumor that you're publishing the Michelangelo Password or the Donatello Cryptogram.

Finally a line of clothing for the casual gent who enjoys donkey punching hookers when he's coked out of his mind.

If only I could be the white Tyler Perry then all my money troubles would be over…oh wait, we already have two white Tyler Perrys, Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer. The only difference is that Tyler Perry knows that his films are crap and has the decency not to spend 100$ million making them and to end them after 90…

I'd prefer it if you guy got a bunch of zombies and deadblogged the Oscars. Not that it matters to me as I'd rather have a red hot poker shoved in my eyes repeatedly than watch them.