My subs said 'evolved', but I'm not sure how reliable those are.

My elementary school teacher told us a story about how she left her toddler daughter alone in the bathtub, and her daughter slammed the sliding glass door, and the broken glass RAINED DOWN UPON HER NAKED BODY, and then she described where the worst cuts were. I was totally blase at the time, but what a horrible woman…

No, you were not. Seriously the most aggressively camp thing I've ever seen. If I were her, I would have totally gay panicked.

I was talking specifically about blowjob technique, what makes them 'boring'. If you're not attracted to your girlfriend, I don't know what to tell you.

They look disappointed because they want to please you and have failed, and you probably feel guilty because you're either Catholic and feel guilty about everything or because you know it's your fault you didn't get off because you didn't give them direction. (I've been there before, faking orgasms.)

You should check out the Barbarian Brothers.

There's a really good documentary called Children in War by Alan and Susan Raymond that tells the stories of kids in Bosnia, Northern Ireland, Israel, and Rwanda. I liked that it not only featured their shocking anecdotes but also talked a lot about how they've coped with their circumstances and the futures they have…

There's this Super Christian that volunteers at the hospital with me, and she's always trying to convince me that I want to watch A Walk to Remember and Dear John and all that sappy business. The only time we really bond is when we swap stories about dickish Mormons we've met. If there were a movie about dickish…

'Lately Pat and Alex have only been fucking tangentially, since the sutures from Pat's gender reassignment surgery have yet to be removed.'

How do I know if I'm ugly or endowed with a shit personality?

That actually sounds like a pretty good time to me.

You are one smart cookie, sir. Maybe this should be a competition.

Someone told me that the kid who played Eddie Munster came out with a delightfully filthy tell-all book. It's the only celebrity autobiography that's ever tickled my interest, mostly because the idea of Eddie Munster groupies is fantastic, but I'm pretty sure it's not a real thing.

There are a lot of people really desperate for work. I think you could probably have your dreams realized for much less than a billion dollars if you put some ads on Craigslist.

I'm not nutty. I'm just hooked on DAWES. They say getting off them is worse than booze or dope. I'm scared. I've forgotten how to sleep without DAWES. I can't get through a day without a DAWE.

It's more complex than that. If there was just one dominant and one recessive allele, there would only be two hair colors. There are probably several genes that influence hair color, so there are not only several colors but a huge spectrum of shades. Geneticists agree that there have to at the very least be two genes:…

I really liked that part. The daughter is usually so grating, and I agree with the complaints that she's too bratty, but I do feel like they're trying to give her a little depth. She said that as kind of a challenge, staring him down, like she was trying to get him to lose his cool. When he didn't, they showed her…

'Dental damn' is awesome.

I'm sure they have barriers and things. It's strange to me that you assume whatever form of protection might be available is gross, when you're the one who brought up someone sticking their tongue up someone's ass. I would think the idea of some kind of plastic wrap or something preventing the 'giver' from getting all…

I hope she used protection, because otherwise she was just asking for hepatitis.