Use mor lube.

Pizza? Too ethnic.

^Donald Trump, everyone!

The good kind of bang?

Joke's on you. It's a Subway sandwich.

Home Run, guys. Home Run.

"The prescient identical twins were portrayed by real-life brothers Michael and Matthew Dickman"

MATLOCK!!!

"Well that's a bunch of shite!"

-Me, at age 13

Yeah, but Jindal's from Uranus.

And he would have been back on top again if he'd gotten that role in Castaway that he was up for. Too bad that slutty Wilson was fucking the Casting Director.

Now you tell me!

I'm married. My wife doesn't suck anything. Trust me.

I read that in Kirk van Houten's voice

I once saw a poster for an autism benefit concert called "Autism Rocks." Not even kidding. It was hanging in the window of a frozen yogurt shop next to my house. I think I got vanilla frozen yogurt that day. Put some blueberries on top. Pretty solid yogurt shop.

[in Moviefone voice]
"…available now on Pornhub."

[tries to come up with a pun]

Stapp doing that! You're gonna get that shitty song stuck in my head.

I like my beer cold, my nudity gratuitous, and my homosexuals FLAMING!