This news is really stretching the bounds of Newswire-worthiness. And I say that after reading the previous Newswire about fart noises.

That seems painful. I'm more of an up and down guy myself.

That Dallas venue seems a little risky, no?

This character is not going to bait me into seeing the movie.

Probably "Exile on Main Street"

"Thats the last time I listen to Mick Jagger."

That's right. Dane Cook fingered Tony Romo.

What's wrong, Genius?

Remind me to stay away from Neckbeard's laminating machine.

Turns out it was a crocodile all along.

Young?

You can't promise you'll try. But you should try to try.

Yeah but I'm just saying I never thought it would either.

Dikachu, ladies and gentleman!

I hope it's just 90 minutes of "Will it Float?"

Dear AV Club,

Thanks for alerting me to the existence of facial ringworm and ruining my day.

^check out Speedy over here

While watching "Home Alone" featuring Devin Ratray as Kevin's brother Buzz.

[nods knowingly]