Marlin Perkins: the land locked Jacques Cousteau

Especially when you just want to buy a pack of smokes and the douche ahead of you is taking ten minutes to buy scratchies.

That's only funny if the baby turns out to be dead.

The Jerk is truly one of the greatest comedies of all time. It's hard to believe that the genius behind that film allowed himself to piss all over Peter Seller's legacy in the Pink Panther reboots.

"I was born a poor black child….."

I would see a film incredibly loosely based on that novel!

The Aunt Jemima visions were a nod to Stephen King's The Stand, BTW.

Most importantly: are the naked children on fire?

You know how to get a Polish girl pregnant? Just cum on her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

I want to see the one in the wheelchair who looks like the drummer from Black Keys do kung fu.

I actually think the pedophiles of yesteryear had it easy. Their consciences probably bothered them less since they were molesting ugly children.

Fucking rickshaws. Don't even get me started.

That just seems life a riff on Ed Norton's explanation in Fight Club of how the decision to recall automobiles is made.

Cracker stole my line!

My hike on Mount Ontake didn't go so well, either.

This sounds worse than my hiking trip to Mount Ontake.

It looks just like a regular flute

You do realize I was just riffing off of the old joke, "What kind of wood doesn't float?"

You know what would make it worse? Having Natalie Wood portray the crocodile.

Just so they don't put celery sticks on the side. What the fuck is that sick shit about?