Heh. Some of my dyke friends saw this movie and were practically sitting in wet puddles talking about it. I replied, "So it sounds like "Brokeback Mountain," but for gay chicks, then?" My friend lamented to me outside over a smoke, "You KNOW (my wife's) going to make me watch this boring fucking movie now." Yep. …

Agreed. The Space Shuttle looked cool, and it made every American proud as shit to have something so badass at our disposal, but launching cheap rockets proved to be much more cost-effective. To analogize it for my friends "across the pond," the shuttle was to rockets as the Concorde SST was to Boeing 747s.

I would disagree in that the characters in the touted programs and political discourse are not racially blind, but rather, are more racially divisive than ever, by the simple fact that the carefully-crafted language in the (I mildly refer to them as "the opposition") party's dialogue & publicity is implicative of the…

Excellent boxing form, Mr. Brown. By squeezing one eye shut, you're effectively limiting your depth perception, which is fine for fighting inanimate objects like car windows or Rihanna.

I can empathise. I try to model Pete Townsend, but everyone says it looks I'm punching my guitar. It's why I can't be around anything with a floating bridge; it'd be like a mouse in the hands of Lenny.

Yeah, anything with the vibrato arm was done with the strat, but everything else up through "Women and Children" was done with a sweet Destroyer (a lawsuit-era model, crafted in true Ibanez style from korina wood). It must've been an amazing instrument, until Eddie decided to take a chainsaw to it. What a moron.

Meh. Plant and Jones carried Zeppelin, and Page remains a sloppy, mediocre guitarist at best. I've heard anecdotal accounts of Page being wheeled into the studio in a heroin-based stupor and drooling on himself while Jones recorded everything. Now, Clapton's stuff with Cream or The Bluesbreakers was unimpeachable.

I was thinking a Jack-in-the-Box taco flavored vodka. It certainly couldn't be any more disgusting than cinnabon-flavored vodka, and hey, it's a deep-fried taco. The hangovers would be hellish, however.

Can't get past the fact that they tried to dis Neil Young in the exact manner one would expect a bunch of inbred rednecks would do. "Down By The River" kills anything from the high-school gym coach. Also, Young was sued by Geffen for tossing out a few shitty contract-fulfilling albums in the '80s. He was accused of…

"Revenge of Vera Gemini" does it for me. BOC were like Black Sabbath, but with actual musicianship.

"Seven Screaming Diz-Busters" is fucking insane on every possible level.

I revile Zakk Wylde. He was good at doing the pinch harmonic squeals, but little else. Rhodes is slightly less repulsive (the guy was playing a Les Paul, but couldn't get a decent tone from it…compare any of Ozzy's early albums to any of Van Halen's early albums (on which Eddie played an Ibanez Destroyer), and tell…

Thank you, sir. My opinions on Jimmy Page are notorious, and have nearly gotten several pool cues smashed across my face. Clapton could've owned his ass any time he felt like it.

It revolts me to admit this, but, Darrel's solo on the Pantera cover of "Planet Caravan" was nicely done…very textured and sublime. Otherwise, Hanneman & King trading off batshit-crazy solos on Slayer's "Raining Blood" is the shit that makes me want to go out and kick some random stranger's ass.

One of my favorite casting decisions in history was Frank Stallone in "Barfly". "I'd hate to be YOU if I were ME" is exactly the sort of thing a stupid person would say while thinking he were being clever. Bravo Bukowski.

Also, David Ortiz will be writing "Guts." Also from Chuck Pahlanuickstienerkberg's publishing company. Fuck off Yankees.

I admit that I read this story intending to make some smart-ass comment, but I found that I have too much respect for Ebert for that. Thank you to The Onion for doing it for me.

Yes, my friend and I elucidated this when we discussed how stupid lawyers are. Yup, they can certainly craft language for a contract, but take them outside of that compartmentalized knowledge zone, and they're all of a sudden outwitted by a drunken idiot with advancing Korsakov's Syndrome.

The new format sucks ass (and not in the good way, either). Wow, the print is so big, and easy to read…it's like reading when I was in third grade! And FYI, the commenters are invariably more entertaining than the journalist. Smart move making it harder for us to voice our opinions.

Jesus Christ, the show's over. It's time to let go, AVC.