Maya Rudolph…why does that name sound familiar? Wasn't she the chick from that sitcom who was kind of hot, but mostly funny-looking, and she was married to a fat guy, right? I think I might've banged her once…

No reason, just an awesome name dude. BOC RULES.

It went past "embarrassing" yesterday. Anything else you need to say, Chief?

Ugh. Everything I hate about everything summed up in a six-minute clip. Of COURSE it's a serious, professional news piece! They're wearing SUITS! And the black woman is asking serious, journalism-type questions!

My moniker is "Bourbon Renewal", and my last missive to you was to "Go suck a dick". I think it's fair to say if I were in any danger of taking myself too seriously, I would be typing this from a state hospital. The only advice I have for you is to reiterate my last piece of advice: Go suck on a dick dude. You'll…

They could play tape of Lara Logan cooking a pot of oatmeal and I'd still watch it.

SEX insurance???

Sir, you successfully illustrate every reason why I loathe the internet's opportunity for any dullard to have his/her opinions the same weight as an educated man. Replacing "was" with "is" in your initial attempt at levity hardly makes it funnier; in fact, if anything, it makes it more confusing and…ah fuck it. Go…

I'm pretty sure she was, actually. I fail to see why this fact would be at all surprising or interesting?

Hey, when I was younger & better looking, I got the "True Romance"-era Christian Slater comparison. Trust me, Donnie Wahlberg is NOT a lateral move by any means.

My last girlfriend was practically a NKOTB stalker, and she often reminded me of my resemblance to Donnie Wahlberg…bad combination. I can practically hear her hysterics from here, even though she lives sixty miles away.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Jews fighting over…ahh, fuck it.

Sooo, now there will be a huge herd of pedestrians— effectively blind and deaf to their surroundings— with large amounts of disposable income? Hehehehhh. Can they download an app that broadcasts a sheep noise while they're at it? (pulls down ski mask, brandishes gun).

I would, but I'm too busy loving my car.

There's one down the street from me, too. It, the local cafe, the taco shop, and the neighborhood cinema have kept the neighborhood from becoming a nightmare of TGI Friday's, AMC, and Starbucks (complete with every corner littered with a Redbox).

I still have six VHS tapes I never returned. Time for a "Jennifer 8" marathon, and there ain't nuthin' you can do about it, broke-ass Blockbuster!

Sir, I beg to differ. A careful review of the film "Taxi Driver" will reveal that there is no mention of a Jennifer Jason Leigh date rape. Please amend your comment, or I will be forced to demand satisfaction.

Pfft. Semiautomatics. They jam up at the drop of a hat (literally, if you happen to drop your hat, your semi-auto will jam— especially those plastic Glocks everyone gets a boner about these days). My .38 Special, on the other hand, well, I can pound nails with it all day and it'll still fire every time.

A friend once forwarded me a cartoon labeled, "The De-Evolution of Grunge". It was the classic ape-to-man diagram from BIO101, except it began with Nirvana, and ended with Puddle of Mudd. I thought that was very clever, on several different levels.

Let's see…they never got laid, masturbated at every opportunity, had a rudimentary understanding of the English language, and most of them functioned at the equivalent of an average fifth-grader. No, it wasn't a frat house, but it may has well have been.