I kept waiting for it during Y2K, back when I was supervising a house full of developmentally disabled adults. I just wanted to know when I'd be justified in carving them up into steaks. I figured I'd be sitting pretty through the apocalypse with that much smoked meat on my hands.

I've found the best places to take a date if you really want to impress her are 1) Boxing matches, 2) The shooting range, and 3) Out in the alley to throw knives at possums.

Q: What color were Lady Gaga's eyes?
A: Blue. One blew this way, one blew that way.
(I think the fact that her eyes aren't even blue makes it even funnier. Come to think of it, I have no idea what color Christa MacAuliffe's eyes really were either).

My last girlfriend had three small children. My place is lined with booze, guns, porn, and swords. It was a nightmare trying to find & hide everything the little rugrats could've hurt themselves with.

Sooner or later, some enterprising soul will pull a Harry Houdini on him.

Q: Why didn't Lady Gaga take a shower before her space launch?
A: Because she knew she'd be washing up on shore.
(Variation on Christa MaAuliffe & the Challenger disaster. Classics are classics for a reason).

"A tornado could smash a poodle's face with a brick." Ahh, that brings me back. Screw that George Washington douchebag; Mike Judge is the person I want to meet in Heaven.

Everybody Hurts, dude. BWAHAAHAHAHAAH!

I must break you.

This is a good start. Can we now get on with destroying everything else that ever inspired REM? I'll kill some Shiny Happy People if it'll help…

Keep it around so it can play baby Mordred in "The Dark Tower".

That's actually one of the least problematic things about that film. Riggs kicking ass on three thugs with a dislocated shoulder after being half-drowned is pretty problematic. For more elucidation on the magical powers of diplomatic immunity, however, you may wish to check out the Bruce Boxleitner film, "Diplomatic…

I likes the way he plays the gee-tar.

Greatest day in my professional career: My developmentally-disabled client insisted on playing his CD-single of "Mambo #5" ad nauseum. Then one day he sat on his fanny-pack and broke the CD in half. Now, I'm not proud to say that I was overjoyed at having a chuckle at the expense of a handicapped man, but yeah,…

Wait, is this the show where Doogie Howser wears the suits, or the one where "Hot Shots!" wears the bowling shirts? Or maybe it's the one where the fat guy has the hot wife? So, so confused…

I was always impressed by the fact that she can't actually play anything, and can't sing a note to save her her life, but still makes hit records. As a classically trained musician, I can't help but feel I've been cheated.

Holland Oates is clearing his schedule.

"DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY!"
(cracks neck, takes aim)
"It's just been revoked!"

Another round of "American…" themed movies in the works? Last time around, we had American Beauty, American Pie, American Outlaw, American Psycho. Seemed like ll you needed to do to sell a screenplay was to shoehorn "American" somewhere in the title.

Go fetch me a beerrrr.