I've never heard Mastodon's music, and there is no way it's better than Slayer on any level, but this interview sorta makes me want to vote for Mastodon as the better metal band.

Careful, he'll punch you in the shins.

Was "MacGyver" ever even a punchline?  My horrible, bureaucratic job is starting to look like heaven next to Handlen's.

Miley Cyrus, in her porn video, in about thirty days.

"…and I live in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!"  (It's relevant…tangentially, yes, yet still relevant).

Well you came and you gave without taking
And I sent you away, oh Mandy
And you kissed me and stopped me from shaking
And I (don't) need you today, oh Mandy

The Carl's Jr. ads are essentially the "Silk Stalkings" of fast food commercials.  Silk Stalkings never made me want to own a purple blazer, and  naked swimsuit models don't make me want to eat Carl's Jr.'s atrocious fare. Both give me sufficient masturbation material, however.

Before I "like" this, I need some clarification on what sort of "white, unidentified substance" we're talking about here…

I'm biased, since I like anything where a big nerdy dork is a total badass (see "Evil Dead 2" and "Dead/Alive").

IT'S NO GAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMME!!!!!!  Bowie's a fucking badass.

It's actually much easier than you'd think.

Of course babies like Outkast; babies are pretty stupid.  They also like Rafi, Teletubbies, and Barney The Purple Dinosaur.

Just repeat to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax"

Maria Conchita Alonso had one of the best asses ever in The Running Man.

I remember an episode where Linnea Quigley guest-starred for a sleepover.  One segment opened with Linnea wearing lingerie, and a big furry wrap over her hands.  "It's my MUFF, Rhonda!  Feel how soft and warm my MUFF is!  Please, touch my MUFF Rhonda!"

It all just reinforces how awesome Slayer is.

Oh yeah, Old Testament God was a REAL asshole; he was more-or-less cool in the New Testament, he just went a little nuts there in Revelations.

"Gestapo's Last Orgy".  THAT movie is the shit.  Where else can you see a naked chick get lowered headfirst into a tank of hungry rats?

No Dr. Who?  Those Colin Baker seasons were pretty rough…

Gacy would've made a better reference.  He also makes clowns seem creepy.