"God needed someone to stare dully at their screen for hours, clicking occasionally, ignoring family and friends except to bother them with game requests, in order to make some artificial crops grow in a little glowing box. So God made a FarmVille player."

That sort of barbaric suggestion has no place in Eton, young man.

Cumberbatching, n. English variant on bukkake, with more embarrassed coughing, and tea afterwards.

I tried staring moodily and silently out of a window for five minutes once, but I failed to fascinate anybody. Damn Gosling.

"Say my name."

I'm picturing Soderbergh sitting by a lake somewhere next week, canvas on an easel in front of him, muttering "I've made a huge mistake."

I predict that HBO will keep him on schedule churning out their big money-maker - or he'll have an 'accident' like those horses on Luck, with their uppity talk of unions and equal pay.

A Dubstep Remix of Ice and Fire. You know, for kids!

And I'll look down and say… "Dawes."

When the AVC takes over healthcare, we'll look back on this day and shudder.

The Lester Flashman film is pretty terrible, lots of tedious slapstick and very little of the spirit of the books. Sometimes I play the fantasy casting game for a new adaptation, and I think James Purefoy would be great in the role.

And don't forget Harvey Keitel's pigtails. They steal every scene they're in.

I see it happening in a montage set to gentle early '70s folk guitar: the moustache by the side of the ride with a 'SAN FRAN OR BUST' sign; the moustache washing plates in a Chinatown dive, wiping sweat from its little brow; the moustache, exhausted, coming back from night school to its dingy apartment building and…

Their hats aren't quaint enough for Depp. They had to show him this picture before he agreed to play Whitey: http://media.philly.com/ima…

Stop SEO baiting! You're doing the journalists' job for them.

Making your way in the world today / Takes everything you've got. / Running around in a hazmat suit, / Or drowning in your own snot.

Hunkers down, wipes AVC's nose with a hankie, places a firm paternal hand on its shoulder.
You're adopted and we love The Onion more.

Discovery Channel: Viruses - Sharks of the Bloodstream.

All the dramatic pre-ad break beats in this show will be people sneezing, other people saying 'Gesundheit', then everybody slowly looking horrified - and it will run for seven seasons.

Or just have the lead actors switch roles. Craig might be lured back by the acting challenge, and the nose ring.