I have a nice hammered steel flask from my great-uncle, who ended up drinking himself crazy and dead. Needless to say, when it's used, the irony is pandemic.

I call this one "Lick My Love Pump".

"America" is one of Tap's great songs. Afro-sheen and apple pie, PTA and FBI.

I'm just as God made me, sir.

Now it's just going to be jokes about your rack. There's really no way around it.

Ha ha, a former co-worker totally got busted on a local FOX-News catch-a-predator thingy. The guy walks in with the paper bag, the cameramen rush in, get a good look at him…Holy Shit, I fucking WORKED with that guy! A dildo, lube, and half a bottle of tequila, is that any way to treat your 14-year old lady lover? …

"Hey Brad, want to have sex with my skeleton again?"

Refresh my memory
Is this the one with the guy hiding in the crocodile? It's got a zipper on it. I can't say "crocodile" without using the same inflection and accent.

Duke, I'm going to go ahead and take your comment as a parody and laugh along with you at your creativity and wit. Let's leave it at that.

What you need is a proxy to break your arm for you. Get mom back in here.

Any real American gets his first boner after peeling the rainsoaked (but magically well-preserved) glossy pages of either a 1982 Hustler or, more typically, a 1978 Oui apart after finding it in the woods at the end of the dead end road. I believe it's all right there in the Patroit Act.

Barney's a fucking DINOSUAR, do you really think the undead would have a chance? Have you seen the unitooth on that bastard? It's like an octopus beak. Barney would tear through those guys, I'm serious.

What in the world are you talking about? Hartnett can't hold a candle to Ryan Phillippe, totally different poor-man's equation than the one above. Have you seen "Way of the Gun"? Hartnett's one of those people like Thandie Newton, you can just see them acting. I don't get that from Phillippe.

Did anyone actually see FIDO?

One of the most horrible things I've ever heard was the pizza they whip up in Haiti, where there is no food: some kind of crust with melted condoms standing in for cheese.

Don't forget:

I didn't read it, but it's fascinating in a meta way.

I would call them Amazonian, not mannish. I find Grace Jones very feminine, in a bat-shit crazy aggressive flavor. I think Dolph probably needs a broad he can throw against the wall every now and then for fun without breaking her.

It's what "Blade Runner" did to wanting more life.

Fine.
My recipe for provoking a woodpile attack: