I didn't read that.

But we can make jokes about people that live in trailer parks but not Calvin Klein or Elton John?

There aren't any poor Christians. All Christians are rich. Everybody knows that. Gays contribute to charity more than any other segment of American Society. We all know that, right?

Have you see Piers Morgan's Guest Bookings lately? He'd be excited if O'Neal agreed to come on his show.

Homosexuality is the first thing a guy should be prepared to discuss when making a public appearance. It's the MOST IMPORTANT thing in the World.

Guy cares about "civilization"! Fuckin' FASCIST!

Hey, you never know when you'll get thrown into prison. A lot of us have gotten our racist tattoos ahead of time just in case!

I already told the AV Club my Martha Plimpton story a coupla weeks ago. And no, you wouldn't like  her when she's angry

Carol was really hot for about three or four episodes there.

Johnny Lobsters

Dear Dan, I want to set fire to my boy friend's hair while I butt fuck him. But I'm afraid this might frighten him. He really takes pride in his Retro Pompadour. What should I do?
Love Ya,
Pyro Tyrone

Gosh, winning the approval of people like Chris Rock, Tina Fey, and Jon Stewart!

I'm amused by how "offensive" it is for one bunch of guys to say something and how "exciting" it is for another bunch to say the same thing.  But, then, I've never been phony enough to be one of the right kind of guys.

I shouldn't make fun of Doug. This albums pretty funny, I guess. Like the way you dig Sunsets, that's Gold. I want you to ask Stanhope to look at one. I don't think he's ever seen a Sunset. There still lots of Good in the World. Tell Stanhope, I don't think he knows.

I'm kind of embarrassed by how much of an interest in it I took. Took much Bravo!, I guess.

A Rock Band column would be good. Especially instead of Dan Savage.

When I went to see KISS I painted my balls up to look like a kitty.

I bet that Anton Figg dude from Letterman's band played the drums on "Detroit Rock City". If it was Peter Criss you could probably do it. Try wearing a beret like Figg, that might help. And you'll look even gayer than if you painted your face up to look like a kitty.

I gave Kate some assless chaps for her Birthday. She said "Great! Next year get me an ass!"

I take all sensory input through my balls. I don't use my head for anything but scratching.