My friends the mulatto and albino?

That's why my stand-up career never took off. I just stood up there awkwardly waiting for some silly pop culture story or comment to pop up so I could react to it.

*pulls out protractor*

I just finally got my ears pierced so I could hook my earbuds to them.

Damn their oily hides!

Are you kidding? You couldn't out-woke Oprah & Ava on the wokest day of your life if you had an electrified woking machine!

Theyre installing an updated version of that old arcade-style game that rated your libido level by the strength of your grip.

You're lucky your confession falls under commenter/commenter privilege, so you still get off scot free!

Tidal + Sprint = Taint

I think he was one of the Dukes of Hazzard's cousins? From that one season that had replacement characters?

Good stuff. What's your thought on the over/under for Lady Gaga's outfit changes?

My boys and I just hijacked a shipment of upvotes on its way to Chicago. Pure, uncut. Street value off the charts. You want in, Pops?

This sounds kinda like The Mentalist. Or maybe I'm thinking of Castle? There's definitely a three piece suit involved.

Is 3 holes really the best a man can get?

There's still that Thank You song. Plus she's naked in the video. Gotta be some comedy gold to mine there.

If his name's Diesel, shouldn't he drive a big pickup with trucknutz hanging from the hitch and a bumper sticker that says "Real trucks don't have spark plugs"?

Post his email address here, we'll send him all sorts of helpful advice. And it won't get back to you, unless you're also a talking cigarette at work.

So you clicked on "How to Date Emma Watson" too?

Crunchy fresh powder, brah.

Trump doesnt have 10 billion dollars anyway. Unless you can pay sex workers in "brand recognition value" or some such shit.