Nuh-uh. I drive a 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse, and I've never been laid. But I like my chances today.

I think a valid (albeit hypothetical) question to ask ourselves is:

Ok, but Das Butt, that works right?

Hmm…what about Das Booty?

Amendment I. Congress (and also something called GoDaddy, which Ben Franklin tells us will be, like, this huge thing in the 21st century) shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people…

It's the sound of several men fitting into a space that doesnt seem like it should be able to hold them all. It's, uh, more popular than you might think.

He wore a white satin jacket.
The jacket had a scorpion on it.

And then you need a way to get to the Negative Zone. Maybe a highway?

You probably passed on the rustproofing, didn't you? Those Colecos'll rust up on ya.

*imagines a world without zinc*
*shoots self*

I heard the real reason is that Diamond Joe knew he couldnt pass the drug test.

Apes A'Poppin' is already THE definitive ape musical.

We lost all our calendars in the apocalypse.

Uh oh, that's two in one day. The AVClub must've left the colored chalk out again.

I like the idea that the Nielsen ratings are maybe just a giant excel spreadsheet and you have to "Ctrl F" on "Nightly News with Lester Holt" to get the data you want.

I always thought Dave & Buster's was “the refuge of the idiot”.

Whenever I interview a celebrity, I include one made-up "fact" in the article, kinda like mapmakers put a fake street in there to catch copiers.

I could go for some hard-R hog wash videos myself.

A little WD-40 will fix that.

It's only $13.7 billion if you have a Whole Foods loyalty rewards card. And, NO, Jeff, you can't just ask the lady behind you if you can swipe hers.