*digs "Big Johnson" T-shirt out of box in attic*

Retire? Looking at the above picture, I'd say she's just a slight costume change away from transitioning to mega-church preacher. I think she can even keep the flaming hoop.

Good, I hate minced words. Yuck.

Invest in a funnel.

Oh, and credit to you for having an open bag of Doritos go uneaten long enough to go stale. Maybe YOU deserve some sort of AVClub world record.

Trying is the first step towards failure. Or maybe it's the last step. I dunno, it's in there somewhere.

There's nothing homoerotic about being a foretopman.

That Marah Eakin is no Bob Newhart, I've often said.

If you're really into farm-to-table, just eat a farmer!

The Wizard of Id is my Co-Pilot

You'd marry her, but your life, love, and lady is the sea, right?

Why not an all-male Beaches remake? My childhood can take it!

So clicking on those ads featuring Marge going down on Lois would actually be helping professional animators? Well now I'm sold!

He gave your aunt a 'screaming chicken' in that car!

That is the worst eye exam chart I've ever seen.

I have it on good authority that e-i is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Well, hot dog! We have a weiner.

Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.

It looks like Chicago on St. Patrick's Day. But with fewer drunks, and approximately the same amount of crime.

Damn, I can't even get a meeting about my The Poky Little Puppy movie.